I Kissed Some Grass and Liked It
by Yumekari
Summary: Mello decides to play a game he learned about from the Internet with his friends. Randomness and crazy pairings ensue.


**A/N:** Hi again! I'm back with another crackalicious story, again inspired by a very weird conversation. With the same friend! XD This time, the story is even weirder. Everyone is in their early teens. Like, really really early teens. Around 14 and 15. I guess 13 in Near's case. I don't exactly know how to play the game in this story, so pardon me if some details are wrong. Though note that some of what Mello says about it is just lies for his own amusement. xD

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It was like any other afternoon. Mello and his "friends" were meeting at a house Mello had apparently somehow bought despite his young age. Unlike any other afternoon, however, the blond had decided to drag along Near and Misa. He wouldn't tell anyone why, not even his best friend Matt, but Near frankly didn't care. He just tagged along out of boredom and perhaps a tiny spark of curiosity. Misa came merely because Mello told her Light would be there.

"Alright," Mello said, cackling evilly as they sat down on the carpeted floor in front of the bathroom. "I suppose you all know why we're here?"

"Actually, no," Near replied while Misa complained about not being able to see Light. Both were silenced by Mello's glare.

"WE'RE HERE," he continued, "to play this great new game I learned about on the Internet! It's called Seven Minutes in Heaven!"

"What's that?" Lenalee asked curiously, but she also fell silent due to Mello's glare. Allen's face paled, recognizing the name of the game from the time he had spent with his Master. Matt and Misa just giggled like little schoolgirls.

"You'll learn as we go along," Mello snapped, brandishing a hat with pieces of paper inside and a blade of grass from his pockets. "I'll go first." He closed his eyes and withdrew a piece of paper from the hat. Opening his eyes, he looked at the paper and then proceeded to squeal loudly.

"OH MY GAWD OH MY GAWD YES!!!" He jumped up and down, shoving the paper in front of everyone's faces. "I got CHOCOLATE~" The blond took out a bar of dark chocolate and entered the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Several noisy minutes passed, punctuated by moaning and groaning. Matt actually had to try bashing the door down, seeing as how his friend refused to come out. Finally, Mello unlocked the door and sauntered out, completely covered in chocolate. His hair, face, and clothes were all now a dark brown. Needless to say, his audience stared.

"And there you have it," Mello sighed blissfully, lying on the floor and getting chocolate stains everywhere. "You have to make out with whoever, or whatever, is on the slip of paper you choose. If you get picked by someone else you don't get to pick." Lenalee looked at Allen and blushed, while Near stared blankly at his so-called rival. He didn't know what "making out" was, but decided to spare himself the details. Misa pouted at the lack of Light.

Mello handed the hat to Allen, who frowned but decided to participate anyway.

"...A blade of grass?" He said incredulously as he looked at the paper he held. Mello threateningly stared at the white-haired boy and handed him the a blade of grass commandingly, so Allen shrugged and went into the bathroom. How bad could it be? It wasn't like anyone would know if he wasn't making out with the grass, and he didn't want to hurt Mello's feelings.

He put the short blade of grass onto the tiled floor and proceeded to take a nap right there next to the toilet. Fighting Akuma was tiring, after all. Several minutes later, he awoke to banging on the door.

"Give someone else a chance, lover boy!" A muffled voice demanded. Allen peeled himself off the floor and then blinked, wondering where the grass went. His lips felt odd.

A second later, he ran out of the bathroom screaming about being molested by a blade of grass. Apparently the grass had solicited a kiss from the exorcist in his sleep. Somehow. Lenalee glared at the grass, while the rest of the gang rolled around on the carpet laughing.

"You next," Mello gasped, handing Lenalee the hat. She grinned maliciously as she read the name on her paper. _Blade of grass._

Yanking the plant off of Allen's lips, she went into the bathroom. A flushing sound was heard, and then she came out, looking very satisfied.

"Dude, that wasn't even a minute," Matt complained. No one really cared enough to do anything about it, though.

Misa drew from the hat next, and she was _not_ happy with who she got.

"I. WANT. LIGHT!!!!!!" She screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks as she tried to throw the paper back into the hat but instead having it float onto the ground a few inches away. This only infuriated her further. Mello ended up shoving her into the bathroom with Matt, who was scrabbling at the door frame in an attempt to escape Misa's wrath. Mello cruelly leaned against the door to prevent Matt's escape.

The gamer sulked in a corner as Misa stomped around and flailed angrily, barely stopping to breathe between screams. Eventually she opened the medicine cabinet and started flushing various medications down the toilet, before realizing she could throw them too.

"YOU'RE UGLY!!!" She sobbed, throwing a bottle of pills at Matt. Of course, he did not enjoy being hit with a bottle of pills in the head, or being called ugly.

Matt growled in annoyance and shoved Misa into the bathtub, where he proceeded to turn on the water in an attempt to drown her. Misa did not just accept this, and kicked Matt in the goggles. They started scratching, kicking, and punching each other, but luckily seven minutes passed before anyone died.

Mello stopped leaning on the door and entered to drag Matt screaming out of the bathroom, not giving assistance to Misa at all.

"Looks like you two had fun," the chocoholic smirked, ignoring the glares Misa and Matt gave him. Misa looked into a small hand mirror and woefully touched her face while Matt petted his goggles sadly. Lenalee and Allen were very sympathetic. Near just sat and twirled his curly hair in a bored fashion. Mello moved on in the game, ignoring them all.

"And now the grand finale," he grinned widely, looking just a tad bit off his rocker. He handed the hat to Near, who shook his head.

"This game is degrading," the small boy argued, hugging his toy robot to his chest. "I refuse to take part in it."

"Yeah, well, I don't care what you think," Mello replied dismissively, drawing a name from the hat for Near. "Besides, you're taking part in this just by coming. No one MADE you come." Which was true, but had the wanna-be albino refused to come, Mello would have dragged Near along anyway.

Mello shoved the paper he had chosen into Near's hands and threw the boy into the bathroom before Near could protest further, leaning on the door to prevent escape again.

Near sighed, rubbed his bum which was shrieking in pain, and looked at the paper in his hands. In messy handwriting, it read, ROBOT. _That's not too bad, _he mused. _No one will know if I don't "make out" with my robot, whatever that is_. Satisfied and feeling rather clever, he began to play with the toy, making shooting noises like a little idiot.

Unfortunately, Near's playtime ended quite soon. Or, you might say it just started. His robot's eyes suddenly changed from yellow to red, and it turned to face its owner.

"ERROR," it said in a mechanical voice, advancing on Near. It buzzed and beeped, while Near sat, pondering how his robot could malfunction if it wasn't even on, and the mystery of its eye color change.

"I LOVE YOU," his robot announced suddenly. "GIVE ME A HUG."

"I believe it is not within the realm of possibility for robots to experience human emotions," Near replied thoughtfully, twirling a stand of white hair. "However, some might argue that animals can also feel love, so perhaps I should be saying it is not within the realm of possibility for robots to experience animal emotions. Either way, robots are not living organisms."

"SHUT UP AND KISS ME, YOU FOOL," his robot said sharply, despite having no emotion in its voice.

"How odd, you almost appear to be replying to me. Seeing as how you cannot hear, however, that cannot be the case. I must take you back to the lab at Wammy's for further analysis." Near realized he was odd to be talking to a robot in the first place, but he didn't really care.

"YOU ARE MUCH TOO TALKATIVE," the robot stated the obvious, "I CAN SEE I'LL HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF." It continued advancing on the little boy, much like a pedophile advancing on its prey.

"W-what are you doing..?" Near asked, getting slightly creeped out as he looked down on his unique toy.

Outside, Mello and Matt were on the floor giggling quite furiously for an unknown reason.

"So that's why you had me mess with the robot," Matt laughed, tears rolling down his cheeks and damaged goggles forgotten. "You're such a genius, Mel."

"Aren't I?" Mello beamed, "Near pales in comparison to me."

"He's pretty pale already," Matt said, causing the pair to dissolve into another giggling fit. The others had pretty much assumed they had gone off the deep end by now, opting to ignore it and play Go Fish instead. No one reacted as screams of terror came from inside the bathroom, quite content to be in their own little world.

"Sounds like Near is enjoying it, the sick little perv," Matt commented casually, having joined the Go Fish game by now. "Have any eights?"

"That's gross, Matt. When do you think he'll notice seven minutes have passed already?" Mello said, not looking bothered by the idea of Near enjoying anything at all. "Go fish."

Near suddenly tore out of the bathroom, looking quite harried and panting from the minor physical exertion. His shirt was missing, his hair messier than normal, his eyes wide, pupils dilated, and his pants hanging low on his hips.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" He shrieked, running out the front door half naked. Matt, Mello, Lenalee, Allen, and Misa shrugged, going back to their game.

"I'm sure he wasn't hurt in any way," Lenalee reasoned, much unlike her normal self.

"I agree," Allen agreed, also unlike his normal self. No one paid notice as a little robot stumbled out from the bathroom, beeping and booping and sounding like it was about to explode.

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**A/N 2:** That seemed like a good place to end it, but there were two things I wanted to mention that I wasn't able to since the story took a life of its own and deviated a little from my original plan. XD The whole game was rigged by Mello for his own amusement, and the house they were playing in didn't even belong to him. The owners of the house soon came back, finding teens playing Go Fish in their house. They kicked the hooligans out and threatened to call the cops, the end.


End file.
